"What happens if I miss my flight and I cant make my retarded presentation about why a room full of dickhead knobs should buy stainless steel screws from me instead of cheap ones from China" - is a commonly over heard airport question.
To help everyone out I've compiled a list of some Do's and Dont's. For dolts I have put the list in chronological order from when one walks into the airport, till you leave.
DO
Decorate your wiener. I'm talking a party hat or something on the head, maybe a hilarious Abe Lincoln beard on your scrotum or a necklace on the shaft, hell maybe all 3. Whatever you do try and make the guy who looks at the body scans all day laugh a little.
DONT
Bring a gallon jug of milk through security. First of all any dipshit out there knows you cant bring more than 3 ounces of liquid on a plane, secondly who the fuck brings a gallon of milk with them on a plane? If you suffer from osteoporosis, well get a calcium chew, or blame your mother for being a crackhead. What sort of mom doesn't make her kid drink milk?
DO
Put your feet under the stall next to you. Do this only if you want to get fucked in the ass, or are a gay man who is on a cold streak.
DONT
Put your feet under the stall next to you if you are a Senator from Idaho, with a wife, children and a respectable career. You will get fucked in the ass and lose all of those nice things I just mentioned.
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| What goes on here, doesn't stay here |
DO
Go to the airport Chilis, Applebees, or whatever other miserable chain restaurant's they have in the airport. They're awesome and its really, really fucking hard to mess up nachos and brew.
DONT
Try to bang anyone that works at the airport Chilis, Don Pablo's or Applebees. They are disgusting, dirty, dirty people. You will leave in shame and probably with some sort of wiener fungus. Exceptions of course can be made for Brookstone employees if they are DTF.
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| Heavyweight Champion of Herpes |
DO
Leave your child unattended, but only if you are Liam Neeson, and only if you are getting bored and wanna kick the shit out of some child trafficking group that whores out teens.
DONT
Leave your child or bags unattended if you are a pussy.
DO
Fart on the plane.
DONT
Act like you farted on the plane, you can get away with it so easily as long as you remember the golden rule: "He who smelt it, dealt it"
DO
Put your oxygen mask on first in the event that the cabin loses pressure. No need to be a hero and try to save some stupid kid who will probably end up being a burden on society.
DONT
Freak out if your bag doesn't inflate, oxygen is flowing.
DO
Duck and cover. In the event of a terrorist attack I suggest hiding, praying and kissing your ass good bye.
DONT
Yell "Lets Roll" and try to take out the terrorists with the drink cart. Thats cliche and been done before by now, the book and movie have already been done. You wouldn't even be able to profit from your heroism. So thats out.
DO
Whip out your super sweet awesome hip iPad and watch "Entourage" or "Weeds" while these shows may be entirely tainting and utterly mindless there will surely be some dumb 19 year old bitch who thinks you are the coolest guy on the plane and will wanna mile high the crap out of you. So put up with Turtles bullshit for a while
DONT
Read a book about something informative pertaining to business or history. Bitches hate that shit. They want your hair gelled, your affliction T on, and your eyes glued to Vinny Chase. Don't forget it.
DO
Bring a carry on.
DONT
Pack a bag. The airlines charge you an arm and a leg to check a bag these days and they lose like 30% of all luggage. So why in the hell would you decide to pay for such shitty service? And why do you need that big of a bag anyway your weekend trip to Vegas has you packing 3 bags? You seem like a low maintenance chick.
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| That will be $600. And another giant jump in the stock price so our investors can continue to J-O. |
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